You Are The Ocean
by goofyfrog
Summary: You are the ocean, and I'm good at drowning. A Kim/Jared story.
1. Everlasting Light

Chapter 1: Everlasting Light

"There is a loneliness that can be rocked. Arms crossed, knees drawn up, holding, holding on, this motion, unlike a ship's, smooths and contains the rocker. It's an inside kind—wrapped tight like skin. Then there is the loneliness that roams. No rocking can hold it down. It is alive. On its own. A dry and spreading thing that makes the sound of one's own feet going seem to come from a far-off place." – Toni Morrison, _Beloved_

When she was a little girl, she used to love the book "Goodnight Moon." Her mom would read it to her every night at bedtime before she would rub her back. Her hands were always cold. But somehow that calmed the small girl, made her touch distinct and soothing. When her sister would sleepover at a friend's house or go on an overnight trip, her mom would rub her back until she fell asleep, knowing that it scared her to be alone in the girl's shared room.

They were a happy family. Her mom and dad were loving and caring; her sister Stephanie was her best friend. They were blessed and they knew it. They were thankful, proud, and content.

They didn't see it coming. There was no way they could have. One moment they were there, and the next they weren't. It was just an ordinary day. They were driving home from visiting their grandparents when a drunk driver swerved into their lane and hit the car head-on. She and her sister made it. Her parents didn't.

Steph had offered to stay. She had been planning on going to Washington State University before it happened. But she knew that her sister wasn't doing well and so she offered to wait. Just until Kim got back on her feet again. But Kim refused to allow herself to hold her sister back. So Steph left too.

She knew it wasn't her fault. There was nothing she could have done. For some, this freedom from guilt would be empowering. But it scared her. She was incapable of stopping the things in her life that she couldn't control. There are some things in this world that just happen. And there was nothing she could do about it.

She thought about this as she sat in her third period English class, trying not to focus too much on the empty seat to her right. He had been gone for a week and a half, and she was starting to get curious. No one stays out of school for that long because of mono. She would never admit it, but she missed him. Even though they hadn't spoken apart from the occasional question about homework or asking to borrow a pen, Kim felt his absence in a significant way. She had been in love with him since she was twelve years old and she missed him. He added excitement to her life without even saying a word.

It seems to have started not because he was a sweet, kind boy who performed some great act of chivalry towards her as a child that had her smitten with him from that moment forward. No, she fell in love with Jared because he was popular. Not that she's one of those girls who date boys based on the opinions of their peers, because she isn't. It actually just started as a strong desire for him to like her. She figured that if the most popular boy in their class liked her, then other people would follow.

She wanted him to like her. So she started to pay attention. She noticed the tiniest dimple in his right cheek, only visible when he laughed really hard. She saw him draw a slightly lopsided heart on his Valentine's Day card he made for his sister when he through no one was looking. Yeah, so he was a bit cocky sometimes. And he didn't do his homework and played girls without involving his own emotions. But she watched him, and so she knew all the admirable things that he did. In her eyes, he was wonderful. Extraordinary.

Sometimes she pretended he liked her back. She would imagine them walking down the hallway, hand in hand, laughing and joking and having fun. It made it easier, this pretending, so she didn't have to think about the fact that no one had asked her to the school dance or that she had yet to receive her first kiss. Because even though she knew it was unrealistic and she was only dreaming, for those few moments of the day, she felt happy. Complete. And most definitely not alone.

* * *

The worst part of it was the rules. Which is funny, because it wasn't the fighting vampires and painful physical transformations, or the fact that the world as he knew it had completely turned itself around that had Jared so on edge. It was all the rules. So many fucking rules about every aspect of his life.

Or maybe it was the fact that he couldn't ignore the rules. He had always been under the impression that rules were meant to be broken, that life wasn't exciting or fun when you always did what you were supposed to. But now, he didn't have a choice. He was being magically forced to follow the rules. Something he had rarely ever done, and was therefore very unfamiliar with. He knew Sam was getting frustrated with him, but he couldn't help it. He was just a kid. Even though Sam was only a few years older, he always acted like some wise old man who was there to advise him.

He understood it though. Sam had never really had a father, so he had been forced to grow up fast. And then with the whole phasing-on-his-own thing, he had to learn how to deal with difficult situations in a calm manner. Jared knew he was lucky to have Sam to guide him through the phasing, and he knew Sam was overjoyed at finally having someone else to join him. It was even better when Paul joined too.

Although they weren't very happy in discovering that the myth about sharing minds in wolf form was real. It made sense of course, for fighting purposes and it was easier to calm a new wolf down after the first phase. But still, everyone has secrets that they would rather not share. Even with the people they are closest to. So sharing every single thought with another person was a little hard at first. But they got used to it, and it did help form the pack. It made them more like brothers.

So even though Jared was pissed off with the new rules and of course being a wolf didn't exactly help with controlling the anger, he was still glad to be a part of Sam's pack. And, most importantly, he respected him. Jared respected Sam and because of that, he had decided that he would follow the rules even if he hadn't been forced to through Sam's alpha order. And of course, he knew the danger he posed to other people in his fragile new state and was well aware that these rules were put in place to help protect the people from himself. So, he told himself to suck it up and be a man, and he went to school.

* * *

High school was not what she had expected. The night before her first day of school, like most other incoming freshman girls, she dreamed about talking to the quarterback of the football team and walking down the hallways surrounded by friends. But when she took her first steps on the brick stairs at the front of school, she knew her experience would be nothing like her dreams.

She enjoyed school. But, unlike most of her classmates, she enjoyed the learning and discovery, not the socializing and the talking. She had a great love of learning, which, of course, her teachers greatly appreciated. But unfortunately, her classmates did not feel the same. She wasn't an outcast, exactly. She just had never really felt like she fit in.

It's not that she was invisible. And it's not that people didn't know her name. It's just that, if asked, all anyone would be able to say about her would be something along the lines of: Kim, the girl who I sit behind in history; or, Kim, the girl whose parents died two years ago who used to be my lab partner. Nobody really knew anything about her, except that she was smart and she was an orphan. Which, in a way, Kim didn't really mind. She was generally a private person, and she just got the feeling that if she shared herself with someone else, if she gave someone the opportunity to really know her, they wouldn't like her. And she didn't think she could deal with that kind of rejection. So she hid. She used her books as shields to ward off conversation and friends. She used her inquisitive nature in school to alienate herself from her classmates. And it worked.

* * *

They say you don't know what you've got until its gone. But in that moment, Jared begged to differ. He hadn't know it until it was right in front of his face, throwing him off balance and holding him steady all at the same time.

Her eyes, the most mesmerizing shade of brown, captivated and intrigued him. He had never understood the phrase "the eyes are the windows into the soul" until he looked into hers. He took in her long hair, her now rosy cheeks, long eyelashes and beautiful plump lips.

He was fascinated, she was confused. He had never spared her more than a glance before. So what made him look at her now? How come, after being absent for weeks and coming back to school looking like an underwear model on crack, he was looking at her like she was his first glimpse of the sun? The idea that maybe he had finally noticed her didn't even cross her mind. In fact, she was even a little bit irritated with him. So when he finally managed to blurt out a greeting, the look she gave him was quite the opposite of the friendly smile on his face.

"Can I help you?" she asked, thinking about the time she had spent an entire week thinking of ways to catch his attention and he hadn't even spared her a second glance. His smile faltered.

"Umm, yeah, I umm…" he was forced to think quick. "Do you have notes I could borrow from the weeks I missed? I'm going to be really behind now." His smile was back in place.

"Yeah, sure," she replied, pulling her notebook out of her backpack and wondering why Jared was acting like he cared about school. He, on the other hand, was quickly sifting through his mind trying to remember things he knew about Kim. And all he was coming up with was school. Kim studying for her chemistry test, already in her seat when he walked into class. Kim reading a book as he walked past her table at lunch. Kim listening to music and doing math homework as everyone else talked in study hall.

"So, do you like it?" he asked, nodding towards the book in her hands. But, because she had been staring at her book and had missed this nod, she was confused and still slightly irritated.

"Do I like what?" she asked sharply, finally turning to look at him again.

"The book. That we're reading. For class," he said, his short sentences getting slower as she just looked at him with a bored expression on her face.

"Yeah," she replied, and turned back to her book. That was it. No elaboration. No discussion. Just a quick affirmation, and she was done talking to him.

Understanding that being harassed was not exactly what she wanted at the moment, Jared backed off and decided to think of ways to learn more about her and get her to talk to him. He was slightly frustrated at the fact that he couldn't look at her without a certain amount of creepiness accompanying the action, but he felt calm just by feeling her presence at his side.

When the bell rang, she was relieved and he was disappointed, but they parted ways with a brief glance and a small smile. He watched her walk away in the sea of students rushing to their next class, but before she could turn the corner and disappear out of his sight, the annoyed face of a fellow pack member blocked his line of vision.

"Oh no," Paul said, catching a glimpse of his friend's adoring gaze. Jared just smiled.

* * *

It's not that she's incapable of making friends. If she tried really hard, she would most definitely be able to find someone to sit with at lunch. But she prefers to sit by herself, a good book always making pleasant company.

It amused her in a way, because everyone always thinks that the "loners" are people who are inept at making friends, losers who are too different to fit in with the crowd. But in actuality, most people who eat alone choose to, not because they don't know how to talk to other people, but because they have been in a group before and it just didn't work out for them.

Kim was tired. She always seemed to be tired. Maybe that was why she had decided to sit by herself. She was tired of pretending, faking smiles and acting like she was interested in the latest gossip around town. She was tired of trying to change herself based on the ideals of a clique. But most of all, she was tired of caring what people thought of her. So she decided not to. Care, that is. She decided she was going to let it all go, just forget what they think, because they don't matter.

Dr. Seuss said, "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." And he was right, wasn't he? Of course, not caring is easier said than done. But after some practice, Kim had gotten pretty used to disregarding what others thought of her and had chosen to live her life in this way.

So instead of pretending, she eats alone and reads a book at lunch. It relaxes her to immerse herself in an imaginary world, and of course, being occupied with a book generally keeps away wandering people who desire conversation.

On the very same Thursday in which she had the "incident" with Jared in English class, she stared at the pages of _A Farewell to Arms_ by Ernest Hemingway and tried to forget what had happened earlier. She saw someone approach her table out of the corner of her eye, but kept her gaze on the book and hoped they would take the hint.

"Hey. Can I sit here?" She glanced up to see Jared standing behind the chair across from her, a small smile on his lips.

"Knock yourself out," she replied, returning her attention to her book, hoping he would leave soon. But instead, he put down his large tray of food and started digging in like there was no tomorrow. After a few minutes of silence in which he inhaled his food and she tried but failed to continue reading her book, she became fed up with the strange situation and finally spoke.

"Why are you sitting with me?" she asked, the irritation from earlier creeping up again. Of course, it would make more sense if she had been excited, overjoyed at the idea that Jared was talking to her and sitting with her and actually noticing her. But Kim was not happy. Quite the opposite, actually. She was bewildered, annoyed, and uncomfortable.

"I was kind of hoping to get to know you better," he replied, confusing her even more.

"Why?" He laughed.

"Well, I don't really have a good answer for you." She just stared. "So, what's your favorite class?" he asked with another smile. She realized he seemed to never stop smiling.

"I'm not talking to you," she replied, wondering why she was pushing away the guy of her dreams.

"Why not?" he asked, clearly disappointed.

"Because we're not friends," she answered, silently hoping they would become something more.

"Well, just because we haven't been friends in the past doesn't mean we can't be friends now," Jared replied.

"Which brings us back to why…"

* * *

There's just something about the beach. The calming sound of the waves. The feeling of the soft sand beneath your feet. Walking along the shore, Kim felt the loneliness begin to fade with each pull of the tide. Like the receding water was taking her negative feelings with it.

Tired of standing, Kim sat down on the sand and pulled out her book. She opened to her current page and took out the bookmark, marking the page with her finger instead. She stared at the depiction of a red rose on the bookmark that used to be her mother's.

Kimberly Rose Connweller. She used to be embarrassed of her middle name when she was younger. Now she can't think of one good reason why she would hate it. She loves her name now, in fact. She missed the roses her parents would send her in their telegrams on Valentine's Day in middle school, even though she didn't like it back then. And she missed seeing her mom pull out a bookmark with a picture of her name on it.

Kim was suddenly pulled out of her daydream by a small rock nearly hitting her head and landing on the sand beside her. She looked up to see the apologetic faces of a little boy she used to babysit and his mother. Putting on her best smile, Kim was able to endure a few minutes of small talk with a woman she used to know. And then came the dreaded question.

"So how have you been?" she asked. Kim didn't know what to say. She never did. Should she lie and continue with the façade that she was fine? Or should she tell the truth and deal with the consequences? She needed someone to know. She desperately needed to tell someone how she still couldn't sleep at night and that sometimes the pain hit her out of nowhere, stunning her with its intensity and swallowing her whole. But she knew how that would turn out. Someone would tell her aunt or uncle, and then they would get concerned and they would have to deal with it.

That was part of the problem with small towns. Nothing was ever a secret. Everybody knew about her parents, and one of the things Kim hated most was pity. She hated seeing it in people's eyes. So, as usual, she smiled and said that she was fine.

* * *

"Goddamn. This is going to be so annoying." Jared rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, Paul."

"Seriously. You remember what it was like when we first phased. Fucking annoying, that's what. And now I'm going to be all alone in my disgust. Just great." Jared gave him a look. "Oh, don't you dare go all overprotective lover, telling me how great she is and that I need to respect her." Jared rolled his eyes again.

"Relax, Paul. I'm still me. I'm just…better. I have a feeling she's going to make me a better person," he said with a small smile. Paul sighed.

"And so it begins…"

* * *

She had always been shy. Even as a little girl, she rarely said a word unless she knew the person really well. Late on that same Thursday evening, she sat at the dinner table with her Aunt Rebecca and Uncle Daniel. They talked about their days at work while Kim pushed around the food on her plate and listened silently, still not completely comfortable in their home.

She felt guilty. Rebecca and Daniel were young, just starting their careers and definitely not ready to have kids. But, out of a sense of responsibility towards his sister, Daniel had offered to take in Kim and Steph after the accident. They had a large house with a few extra rooms and said they didn't mind, that they were no bother at all, and don't be afraid to ask for anything when you need it. But Kim knew she was intruding. So she mostly hid in her room, where she did her homework and listened to music.

Kim had always had a talent for getting lost in the sound. In her opinion, music was the most reliable friend anyone could have. While each song must always come to an end, there is always the hope of another on the horizon, the knowledge that there are countless others out there just waiting to be heard. Whenever the pressure of reality became too much to bear, she could always count on music to take her away and fill her with a joy that no other activity could fulfill.

So she lay in her bed and listened to music, thinking about the day's events. And she thought about him. She tried not to. She tried really hard. But she couldn't help it. She wondered what he was doing at the moment. She imagined what their life would be if they spent it together. And when she finally fell asleep, she dreamt of him.


	2. Hold My Hand As I'm Lowered

Chapter 2: Hold My Hand As I'm Lowered

"Life is slippery. We all need a loving hand to hold onto." – H. Jackson Brown Jr.

She hadn't started shaking until they took her out.

It was unnatural, the way she had laid there, completely still, surrounded by snow on top of her parent's graves. Her thin long-sleeved t-shirt soaked completely through to her skin, her sweatpants also wet from the snow. Tears covered her cheeks, her pained eyes staring blankly at the sky above. When asked what she was doing, she had replied that she was looking for her parents in the sky, pleading that if they were there, they would send her a sign. Anything. Even a shooting star would do. But she saw nothing.

* * *

"Stop laughing. It's not funny." This only made Paul laugh harder.

"Oh, this is very funny. Hysterical. First, you start spending all your time outside her window, as if a vampire is going to come out of nowhere and attack her on the spot. Then, you start listening to every conversation she has that you can hear, trying to get to know her so she'll talk to you. But the best part is, she refuses! Wasn't it supposed to be like love at first sight or something? Doesn't that mean she's supposed to love you back?"

"Shut up. She's putting headphones in." Paul rolled his eyes.

"And now we have to sit here and listen to her listen to music so you can try to pretend you have something in common." They listened for a while. "What the hell is this, anyways? Who listens to this kind of stuff? I've never heard of it before in my life."

"That's because you are a horribly close-minded person," Jared replied. He had spent the last week trying to get Kim to talk to him. And he wasn't very successful so far.

They were in study hall, a period they used to spend talking and goofing off with friends. That's what most everyone else was doing. He had never noticed before, but on days like these when a teacher was out and a substitute didn't want to attempt to control the class, Kim would pull out her headphones, listen to music, and do homework.

"Do you think I should go talk to her?"

"No," Paul said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "She put headphones on. That's a clear sign that she doesn't want to talk to anyone."

"Are you sure? Maybe she's just bored."

"Trust me. She doesn't want to talk right now. Let her be, man."

"And how do I know you're not telling me that just because you're bored."

"Trust me, Jared. You trying to get her to talk to you would be much more entertaining than this," Paul said with a laugh.

"Okay. You're probably right. Take it slow. Don't freak her out," Jared reminded himself. "New song! Okay…"

* * *

She was falling apart, and no one had noticed.

In their defense, she was a pretty good actress. She could put on a smile so bright you would believe anything she said. She thought she didn't need any help. She thought she was dealing with it. Everyone grieves; it's a part of death. And a part of life. So why couldn't she seem to move on?

On the night her parents died, all she could think about was how nothing would be okay again. That's all she could feel. Hopeless, like nothing would ever be able to make it better. She thought things would improve with time. So she gave it time. A lot of it. And eventually she realized it wasn't going away anytime soon. So she decided she would just have to deal with it. Of course, she knew it was unhealthy to keep it all locked up inside. But what other choice did she have? She didn't want to impose on other people's lives anymore than she already had. So she kept everything inside, waiting until she was alone to really be herself. And she fooled everyone around her. Quite well, too.

Someone once said that "silence is the most powerful scream." Her Aunt Rebecca had always thought that was stupid. Obviously, silence couldn't be powerful when it made no noise. Rebecca was a very rational and literal person, and therefore couldn't understand the figurative aspect of this phrase. But, when she learned that the niece she was responsible for had very nearly killed herself at the same time that she had been going through paperwork in her office, she got a tiny glimpse into what such a saying could mean.

She had always thought of herself as a very perceptive person, easily able to read other people and put them into simple and organized categories. But there was something about her niece that she just couldn't figure out. Kim had never been great at expressing herself. But to keep such a painful emotion locked inside of her for so long, well, it was quite a talent. Of course, Rebecca and Daniel were very busy, and she did have a few moments of doubt where she wondered if they were responsible for what had happened. They always tried to give her a lot of attention, but she never seemed to want it. So they left her alone. They thought that was going to be best for her. But in those few seconds after getting the call, Rebecca started to wonder if maybe they were wrong.

* * *

"I mean it. Everything will work out in the end. Think about it, Sam and I had it even worse, and look how happy we are," Emily said with a gentle smile. "Whatever the reason for it, imprinting means that you two are meant to be. You'll end up together. You have to."

Jared sighed. Emily was very good at these maternal sorts of conversations, but he didn't think he would become convinced until it happened. Until she actually began to trust him.

"What changed your mind? I mean, I know it takes time and everything, but what made you give in and changed your idea of Sam? What were you thinking through all of it?"

Emily sighed. "It's hard to say. I mean, I think a big part of it was the way Sam acted in the hospital when I was hurt. I could just tell that his care for me was genuine, and I knew from that point forward that he would never intentionally do anything to hurt me. I could tell he wanted to make me happy," she said, looking out the window at the forest outside. Jared could tell she wasn't seeing the tall trees and green foliage, but was lost in her memories of white hospital walls in a room covered with flowers and stuffed animals. "I was scared, and I needed someone to be there for me. I needed someone to take care of me. And I knew he was the one to do it. I don't even know how I knew. I just kept thinking that if I let him get away, I would never get a chance like that again. Like the kind of affection he was offering only comes around once in a person's life. Turns out I was right."

She was all of a sudden brought back to the current time and looked Jared in the eye. "The pull you feel towards her isn't one-sided. She feels it too. She may not acknowledge it yet, but she feels it." Emily smiled. "I tried to deny it just like she is. But don't worry, Jared. She won't last long. Once she realizes that you're serious, she'll open up to you. You just have to be patient. Remember that it's what's best for her."

"Okay," Jared sighed. "So what should I do right now? Besides waiting, of course."

Emily laughed. "Find out what she likes. Learn more about her. The more you get to know her, the easier it will be to get her to talk to you."

He thought about it for a moment. "Okay. Thanks Emily. You're the best," he said with a grin, giving her a hug and leaving with a box of cookies in his hand.

* * *

She used to love apple pie. The best was from the diner a few blocks away, where she would go with her family. The owners of the diner knew this about her, and so after the funeral they brought tons of pies over to the house. Because that's what people do when someone dies. She ate apple pie for days, and it made her feel a little bit better. But the next time she had a piece of apple pie months later, she felt the emptiness begin to grow where the pie was supposed to fill her up. And no matter what she did she just couldn't fix it. Because now that the numbness was gone, she could feel. She felt too much, and she missed her parents with an intensity like never before. So she went to visit them.

"I need you like water in my lungs," she whispered to the pieces of cement that held her world, using song lyrics to express herself in the only way she knew how. A tear slipped down her cheek as she thought of the meaning of those words. No, she didn't need water in her lungs to live. But she wanted to be with her parents, which in that moment would mean that she would need to die to be with them. She needed to be close to them. So she laid on top of their graves, pretending that they were right beside her instead of below her. And she searched the sky for a sign.

* * *

"Alright, everyone turn to the person next to you. Yes, this is a pop quiz so you will need to put all books away. You have thirty minutes."

Kim looked to her right to see a huge smile on her partner's face and inwardly groaned. This was going to be a long class period.

"So, shall we get started?" Jared said with a smile, scooting his desk and chair closer to Kim's. "Okay, so I know I haven't been the best student in the past, but I promise I've been reading the book so far," he added when he got a look at her face.

"Oh, it's not that," she replied, feeling guilty that she made him feel bad about himself. "I just hate doing group quizzes. It's easier for me to focus when I don't have to think about collaboration and teamwork."

"Oh. Okay then. Well, we could do it separately and then compare answers."

"Really?" He nodded. "You sure?"

"Yeah." She smiled and they got started.

"I bet I could beat you," he said, completely out of the blue.

"What?"

"I bet I can finish the quiz faster than you can."

"Oh, really?" she asked with a smile. He nodded, a cocky grin on his face. "Okay. But you have to get at least ninety percent of the questions right."

"Sounds good. And if I win, I get to ask the first question in a game of would you rather."

"Okay. And what do I get if I win?"

"If you win, then you get to ask the first question."

She frowned. "That doesn't make sense. Shouldn't it be something that I actually want?"

He smiled. "Maybe. But you get to do the quiz by yourself…"

She thought about it for a moment. "Okay. Ready…"

"Get set…"

"Go!"

They both began hurriedly working on the questions, glancing over at each other every few minutes but always missing the other's eye. They both worked well under pressure. But Kim, having had much more practice with this sort of thing, finished her quiz in record time and won the silly bet.

"Done!" She exclaimed excitedly, all the while still somehow managing to be quiet. He looked up and smiled**, **unsurprised that she had beat him. Winning hadn't exactly been the point for him. Besides, he knew he didn't stand a chance against her intellect when she set her mind to it.

"Congratulations," he said with a proud grin. They went over each other's answers and completed the quiz remarkably early, and Jared knew it would be a while before any other group would finish. "So, you get the first question, then."

She smiled. "Umm okay…" She thought about it for a moment. "Would you rather…be famous for intelligence or be famous for your looks?"

"Well, I think I'm already kind of famous for my looks so…" She gave him a look and he laughed. "Ok, fine. Intelligence," he answered, knowing that she would approve. "Now, would you rather live without music or live without T.V.?"

"Oh, definitely without T.V. I don't think I _could_ live without music." He smiled at her response.

"Yeah?" She nodded. "What's your favorite band?"

She frowned. "Umm, no. You're not going to distract me that easily," she said haughtily. He laughed. "My turn."

He waited for a few moments. "I'm waiting…"

"Hold on, I'm thinking!" she said with a laugh. "Would you rather be born with an elephant trunk or a giraffe neck?"

"Oh, definitely a giraffe neck. Then I could reach things that I can't now."

She gave him a look and laughed. "Ok, then…"

"Would you rather celebrate Christmas all the time or not at all?"

"Easy," she replied. "All the time."

"That's a lot of Christmas spirit. And joy. And love." She laughed.

"What can I say? I like Christmas."

"Me too. Especially the presents."

She laughed and rolled her eyes, trying hard not to but really enjoying the conversation. Looking at Jared's welcoming gaze, she started to think that maybe he was being genuine when he said he wanted to get to know her.

"Would you rather wear the same color for the rest of your life or eat five spiders?"

"Definitely the spiders."

"Ew. That's disgusting," she informed him.

He laughed. "Oh, come on. Spiders aren't that bad."

"Yeah, okay. I'll call you the next time I have to kill one, then."

"Okay. I could do that," Jared said, picturing Kim in their future home, watching him take care of the insects in the house. Take care of her. He was snapped back to reality by Kim's voice.

"Your turn," she said impatiently.

"Would you rather be invisible or be able to read minds."

"Be invisible," she answered thoughtfully. "Would you rather always have to say everything on your mind or never speak again?"

"Oh, I already say everything I think of," he laughed. "Would you rather eat a bar of soap or drink a bottle of dishwashing liquid?"

"Ew. Neither."

He stared at her incredulously. "You have to answer the question."

"But they're both so gross," she laughed. "I can't!" He continued to stare at her, giving her a look that clearly said "you're not getting out of this." She sighed as she gave up. "Fine. The dishwashing liquid. Hmm…would you rather have a missing finger or have an extra toe?"

"Extra toe. Now that would be cool!" Kim rolled her eyes. "Would you rather have a kangaroo or a koala as your pet?"

"Oh, that's a hard one. I always wanted both of those as pets when I was a kid," she said.

He nodded and laughed. "Tough choice you got there."

She smiled at him. "I think a koala. Then I could cuddle with it."

"Good choice," he agreed with a smile and a nod.

* * *

People deal with grief in all sorts of ways. Some people are better at dealing with it than others. Some people are just better at pretending.

It wasn't an attempted suicide. It wasn't even one of those cry-for-help kind of things. At least, not consciously. In the moment, she didn't consciously realize the effect of what she was doing. She didn't realize that by exposing herself to that kind of low temperature, she could seriously harm herself. No, she wasn't thinking about any of that. She wasn't thinking, really. She was feeling. She was feeling pain and so she acted on an impulse, somehow deciding that it would be a good idea to lie on the ground in order to feel close to her parents.

And finally after long sessions of therapy and serious conversations with her family, everyone else came to the same conclusion. She didn't do it on purpose; she wasn't depressed. She was just feeling off and her judgment was a bit misguided. But there was nothing wrong with her, really. Her relatives were advised to keep a close eye on her.

But she was alone. She felt alone. Even with her sister by her side and tons of support from her extended family, she still felt like no one in the world would be able to understand her. She told everyone that she was okay, but inside she still didn't quite know what to do. But she didn't think that anyone one else would know either, if she told them. She was the only hollow tree in the forest; on the surface she was the same as all the others, but if you looked close enough you could see she was empty on the inside.

* * *

"So, how's your sister?"

"Is that what this is about? You want to get close to Stephanie? Cause she's gone most of the year, so…"

"What? No! Who would do something like that?" She gave him a look.

"You'd be surprised." He frowned.

"Seriously?" She nodded. "Well, those assholes were idiots," he said. "Not for liking your sister, of course," he amended quickly, "for using you like that."

Kim shrugged, neither agreeing nor disagreeing. It was silent again as they walked from her car to her locker, Jared happy to follow along and Kim still wondering what had made him decide to start tagging along with her. The rest of the school seemed to be having the same thoughts as Kim, if their poorly hid stares and whispers were any indication.

There was even more surprise as Jared proceeded to walk Kim to her first class, even after she gave him a confused "what the hell are you doing" look when he waited by her locker while she collected her things. Jared tried to think of something that would get her talking, although he almost burst out laughing at the look on Kim's face when she denied his offer to carry her backpack.

"So, are you doing anything during winter vacation?"

"No. Steph is going to be home, so I'll probably just spend time with her. What about you?"

He was initially shocked that she had actually actively continued the conversation, but recovered quickly. "Nothing too exciting. I'll probably be coerced into taking my sister shopping in Port Angeles during any free time I have," he said with a smile.

She laughed. "How old is she?"

"She's turning fourteen in a few months." Kim nodded and pretended she hadn't already known that.

"We used to go on vacation to Lake Crescent every year, but we haven't been there since…" she didn't know why she had started to say this. She never talked about things her family did before her parents died. "In a long time," she finished, unable to say the words out loud.

"Yeah?" he replied kindly, in a way that made her feel comfortable enough to open up, but without putting pressure on her.

"Yeah," she answered simply.

"That's nice. All I've ever done with my family is go to the beach five minutes away." She laughed. "I had always planned on going to Europe when I got older though."

"Me too. When I was little I really wanted to go to Australia."

He laughed. "That's kind of random, isn't it?"

"Not really," she answered. "They have the coolest animals there."

"Oh, now I understand the kangaroo/koala thing."

She smiled "Exactly."

Jared had been wondering the whole time if it was too early to ask her what she was doing that weekend. Unfortunately, he waited too long to ask and their conversation was cut short when they arrived at her class. They departed with just enough time for Jared to run across the entire school to make it to class on time.

* * *

It was ironic that he was scared of dead people. In his defense, he hadn't wanted the job. But it was the only one he could get, and even then he only got it because his old friend had connections. So that's how the cemetery ended up with a night watchman who was scared of dead people.

She had looked dead, from very far away. He watched her for a long time, too terrified to actually get close to her, and finally decided the best thing to do would be to call someone. Sam, the reservation's only protector at the time, was brought in to deal with the situation. And it turned out he dealt with it wonderfully, for his rare and extreme heat was very useful in warming up a girl who had been laying in the snow for an hour.

They took her to a hospital in Forks, where she was treated and held for a few days while she fought off the pneumonia she had caught. Her sister came home from school for a week, making sure she was okay before she left again. And after psychiatric evaluations and a few therapy sessions, she went home. And when she finally went back to school, even though she had no idea what she would have said if someone asked where she had been, she desperately wanted people to notice when she wasn't around. But no one except her teachers had noticed she was gone.

* * *

"You want some?" Jared asked in response to Kim's disgusted look.

"No thanks," she replied. "I don't understand how you can eat all of that." He just chuckled. "Seriously. Your stomach is like a bottomless pit that never fills up." He started to really laugh then. Oh, if only she knew how much he really ate in one day.

She was slowly getting used to him. Becoming accustomed to hearing his adorable laugh in response to something she said, listening to him bug her about her favorite song or food or book. And of course, sitting with him at lunch. Well, correctly, him sitting with her at lunch. He, for some unknown reason, had opted to spend all his time with her instead of his old friends, who seemed pretty pissed that he wasn't hanging out with them anymore. She didn't understand it anymore than they did. But she certainly did enjoy it.

"I honestly don't understand you. How can you be so intelligent and intellectual, but your favorite reality TV show is_ Toddlers & Tiaras_?"

She laughed. "It's so entertaining! The kids are hysterical!"

"My mom says she feels guilty watching that show. Like it's not ok to make fun of them because she feels bad for them."

"No! It's so funny! It just never gets old."

Jared shook his head. "I still think_ Wipeout _is better."

"Hey, I like good TV shows too! I love_ Hard Knocks_."

"Yeah, we need to watch that soon, by the way."

"For sure."

"So, does this mean we're friends?" he asked hopefully. She looked at him, contemplating the question.

"Look, I pinky promise you that I will be the best friend you've ever had," Jared began, "and I'll watch bad TV and listen to your music without complaining and I'll even do homework with you!" She had to smile at that. "I promise I won't hurt you."

He held out his hand. She thought about it for a long moment, carefully weighing the consequences of each decision.

"Okay," she said, looking into his eyes and seeing all the care and trust in the world. "Okay," she said again as she entwined her finger with his.

* * *

The image of her face still haunted him. Sam could still clearly see her sad, scared eyes burning into his as she asked him if he believed in heaven.

It was clear to him that she needed help. And not the kind that hours in therapy could be useful for. Kim needed a partner, someone she could go through life with and be able to lean on when things got to be too much. Someone to share some of the burden with. So when Sam saw Kim's face in Jared's mind, he was relieved. Relieved because finally, she wouldn't have to deal with it on her own. She wouldn't be by herself anymore. She had been a nomad, constantly searching for a place to call her own; but now, she had finally found a home in his brother's heart.


	3. Up From Below

Chapter 3: Up From Below

"Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within." – Sigmund Freud

She slowly opened her eyes to the unwelcoming sight of bright light streaming through her window. Of course, the one day where she forgot to close the blinds happened to be one of the rare days of sun in La Push. She closed her eyes to the blinding sunlight and sighed in content. She was warm, much warmer than usual, and she silently thanked the too bright sun for warming up her room. She was relishing in the rare and pleasant heat, until an arm wrapped around her waist pulled her closer to a soft and warm chest, and a head buried deeper into her hair as a breath of warm air was expelled onto her neck.

Slowly and carefully, she turned her head only slightly as to not awake him, but needing to get a glimpse of his face to register that this was real, she wasn't dreaming, he really was there.

As she gazed into his handsome face, she slowly began to remember the events of the previous night. A party, a couple of drinks, a confession.

_Oh, fuck_, she thought.

* * *

When she looked back on it, she really had no idea what made her decide to actually go to the party. She had made a spontaneous decision in saying yes to the invitation, partly because she had been taken by surprise and wasn't prepared, but also in some measure because she had felt much more confident and laid back since she began her friendship with Jared. But still, going to one of the huge cliché high school parties was a big step for her. She didn't exactly have much experience with those sorts of things. So it's really no wonder it turned out to be a disaster.

It all started with the broken toaster. It was a pretty old toaster, so it was bound to happen soon anyways. It just slowly started getting colder and colder, and they just kept setting the timer longer and longer, until the toaster wouldn't make anything warm at all. Which became a big problem because Daniel had a thing about toast. For some reason, he claimed he needed eggs and toast every morning to have a good day. So, when the toaster finally broke, Rebecca felt the need to make something special for breakfast for Daniel. Unfortunately, that "special surprise" turned out to be a fire in the oven as a result of a plastic pan going unnoticed at the bottom while the muffins were baking. Before the fire even became noticeable, Daniel had already left the house in an angry disposition because making muffins takes longer than the simple task of making toast. So when the fire began and the smoke detectors automatically called the fire department closest to home, it was only Kim and Rebecca there to respond. But, after the fire had been safely put out, Rebecca claimed she was already late for an important meeting and so she rushed off to work, leaving Kim only too happy to sit and wait for the firemen and be late for school.

When she finally arrived at school, late for second period, she stopped by the front office on her way to class from her locker. This took her through a different route than she normally would go, which in turn led her to stumble upon the discovery of the secret relationship between Molly Davis and James Crawford. Now, the fact that this relationship was a secret did not hold much significance. But, the fact that the relationship was a secret from Molly's boyfriend, Jesse, held much significance. Kim tried to sneak away unnoticed, but unfortunately she was seen by Molly and sworn to secrecy. Of course, she had never planned on telling anyone anyways. Well, except for maybe Jared. But only because she knew that if she asked him to he wouldn't tell anyone else.

So after much pleading and persuading on Molly's part, and much reassurance and promising on Kim's part, Molly decided that she should do Kim a favor, to thank her for keeping her big secret and to ensure that it would never get out. So she invited Kim to her boyfriend's party that he was throwing that Friday when his parents went out of town. This sudden and unexpected invitation threw Kim off guard, making her unable to come up with a good excuse not to go and forcing her to accept the invitation. And that's how Kim wound up at Jesse Parker's party, all because of a broken toaster.

The party was the talk of the school that week, for apparently Jesse knew how to throw a phenomenal party. As usual, Kim overheard people making plans for before and deciding on their clothes for the night. It was funny how much one can learn when they're quiet, when people forget that they're there and talk with no reservations. But, unlike a usual week at school, Kim was forced to contemplate the possibility that she very well might be one of those girls to be soon talked about the following Monday when the gossip about the party had begun. Although she knew she wouldn't do anything gossip-worthy, it would of course be a surprise that she was invited, and an even greater surprise when she actually showed up.

She secretly wondered if Jared was planning to attend, although she knew he probably wouldn't. Ever since his "illness" (she still didn't believe he only had mono), he hadn't been going to these kinds of events and hanging out with his old friends, instead choosing to spend his time with Sam Uley and the other members of their gang.

Molly had offered to drive Kim to Jesse's house, informing her that she would pick her up promptly at 9:30. Kim felt she really didn't have much of a choice then, knowing that Molly and her friends were going to show up at her house on Saturday whether she wanted to go to the party or not. A large part of her regretted giving Molly her address, but an infinitesimally small part of her was excited, glad she was going to have a reason to make herself go. She spent all week thinking about it over and over, switching plans constantly.

By the time Saturday night had rolled around, she hadn't exactly come to a conclusion yet. Or, more precisely, a final one. So she decided to get ready after dinner anyways, occasionally doubting that Molly and her friends would even show up. She kept thinking they would probably forget about her and no one at the party would know the difference.

But, to her and Rebecca's endless surprise, Molly and her group of friends pulled up to their house at 9:37 that Saturday evening, just when Kim was beginning to think she was off the hook. So she was dragged out of the house by giggling and already slightly tipsy girls and pushed out by an eager and proud aunt.

When they finally arrived to the actual party, the girls all rushed inside, loudly and, in Kim's opinion, obnoxiously greeting their friends and leaving her to fend for herself. Unsure of what exactly to do, Kim wandered over to the kitchen table covered in drinks. And when asked if she would like something, she took a chance and answered yes. The guy she vaguely recognized as a boy in her junior year AP United States History class poured her a cup full of vodka mixed with Coke. She took a large sip and was extremely repulsed by the taste, but decided she should relax and enjoy herself for one, so she finished the whole cup.

Meanwhile, Jared stood with the rest of the pack in the woods near the Parker home, wondering what the fuck Kim was doing at one of those parties. He knew Kim wasn't the type of girl to go to those kinds of parties, and he knew that attending such events were not part of her usual schedule. So what was she doing there? And why was she drinking? He felt a stab of pain as he recalled Sam's memories, wondering if her behavior had anything to do with her grief and hoping with all he had that it didn't.

Jared knew he was going to have to step in and take care of her, but he was unsure of how to go about it. He didn't think he would be welcome at one of his old friend's parties anymore, not after the way he had treated them. So he waited in the woods for a while, listening and keeping close track of Kim and her behavior.

Later she would wonder exactly how many drinks she actually had. She didn't have complete memories of the whole night, and she knew there was no way she would've gotten that drunk off of the few drinks she could remember. All she knew was that she had been drinking while sitting on the couch, and all of a sudden when she stood up she felt dizzy and it seemed like she was in a dream. She knew she was getting drunk, and she decided she quite liked the feeling. It was sort of numbing in a way. So she decided it would then be a good idea to have some more.

Time kind of skipped in her memory after that point, and the next thing she could remember she was having the most ridiculous conversation with a boy in her math class about Harry Potter. And she was talking._ A lot_. Which was unusual for her, but enjoyable. She found she loved being able to speak her mind, the alcohol making her feel comfortable enough to be herself around others. Some parts of the long conversation were kind of blurry, though she did distinctly remember looking at her phone to check the time and pointing to her background picture of her and Steph and telling her new friend, "This is my sister. She's my best friend." But she didn't think he actually cared too much about her life and her family. But she didn't really mind at the moment. Because she was blissfully, innocently, wonderfully drunk.

Later, when Kim looked like she was about to accept another drink, Jared decided it had been long enough and he needed to do something. So he phased back and put on jeans, a plain white t-shirt, and shoes. He walked into the backyard from the forest, nobody sober enough to notice or care that he had suddenly appeared out of nowhere. He walked straight towards Kim on the back porch, talking with a guy he knew from school and taking a sip from her drink.

"Ok, I think you've had enough now," he said, reaching from behind her to take the bottle away from her. She looked up at him, obviously surprised but also very clearly happy to see him.

"Jared!" she exclaimed, pulling him into a tight hug. He laughed. "I'm so glad you're here!"

He pulled away slightly and smiled down at her. "Yeah? How are you doing?"

"I'm good. You want some?" she asked, offering him her drink. He shook his head no. "No, no, you should have some," she argued, shoving the bottle in his face. "It will make you feel good," she giggled.

"I think I'm good for now," he told her, hands still on her waist.

She pulled him into another hug. "I like hugging you," she told him happily.

He chuckled. "Well good, cause I like hugging you too," he said with another smile. "Do you think maybe it's time you go home? Come on, I'll drive you."

"What? No! No, we have to stay! This is fun," she smiled. "We should, we should do this all the time. All the time! It's fuuun," she said in a sing-song voice. He laughed.

"Ok, yeah. Definitely time to take you home." He started leading her out around the house to the front yard, where Paul and Quil were waiting inside his car. She didn't put up any resistance when they walked to the car, but she refused to get inside it when they arrived.

"Nope, I'm not getting in the car. I'm going to walk," she told Jared in a very matter of fact voice, beginning her unstable path back home. Except she wasn't going home. Not her current home, anyways. Out of habit, she started to take the path she used to go to her parent's house instead of going to her aunt and uncle's. But nobody had realized that yet.

So she continued on her merry way, singing happily and doing a sort of skip to her songs in the street. Jared followed a few feet behind, watching her enjoy life and barely able to contain his overwhelming adoration for the sweet young girl who so freely sang her heart out in absolute and utter joy.

Jared had told Paul and Quil that they could take his car and do whatever they wanted, and that he would take care of Kim. But both boys couldn't stand to miss the chance of seeing Kim when she was intoxicated and having the time of her life. In their defense, it didn't happen often, and she was very entertaining. They followed a little ways behind Jared, not wanting to interrupt his and Kim's conversations. Kim laughed happily and Jared couldn't contain his smile when he thought about how this was the happiest he had ever seen her, and that was the biggest smile she had ever shown him.

When they finally reached Kim's old house, she stopped at the bottom of the steps and her bright smile suddenly dropped off her face as she realized what she had unconsciously done. Jared came up behind her and put his hands on her shoulders, berating himself for not catching what she was doing as she continued to stare at her old front door.

"Hey, Kim. Are you ok?" he asked quietly, completely unaware of how to take away her pain. She slowly shook her head very slightly as a tear slipped down her cheek.

"I've been putting on a show. A huge fucking show," she whispered, sounding almost in awe of her own words.

"What are you talking about, Kim?"

"I miss my mom and dad. And my sister's gone. I wanted her to stay but I couldn't make her," she said, her voice getting increasingly more hysterical as she began to cry. "I couldn't do that to her but now she's gone. And my aunt and uncle are always gone too. I don't have anyone that cares about me." She broke out into sobs.

"Hey, shhh, Kim, its ok," he said as he turned her around and tucked her head into his shoulder, one hand holding her against him while the other slowly rubbed her lower back. "I care about you." His hands softly stroked her hair. "I care about you a lot. More than you know. More than you'll ever know," he whispered the last part so softly he wasn't even sure if she could hear him over the sound of her tears. He looked up at Paul and Quil, who had frozen back when Kim realized where they were, and they understood his silent message and left to go get the car and give him time. He held her tightly for a long time, until she began to get tired and they sat down on the steps.

They sat there for a long while, her head rested on his shoulder as she told him all that she had felt for so long but was too scared and didn't know how to get the words out. He held her while she cried, whispering reassuring words and caressing her shoulder in a calming manner. Jared responded to Rebecca's text to Kim so they wouldn't know she'd been drinking and wouldn't stay up and wait for her. When she was finally done crying and getting sleepy, Jared called Paul and told him to bring the car. They climbed in the backseat and drove to her aunt and uncle's house, Kim sleepily prattling on about random things the whole ride home.

They then faced the dilemma of what to do when they got there. Jared decided to go in with Kim to make sure she made it in bed safely. He also helped her quietly get up to her room so as not to disturb her guardians with her drunken stumbling. He stayed for a few minutes and had planned to leave once Kim got settled, but she begged him to stay with her.

She grabbed his hand and gazed up at him from her place lying on her bed under the covers, and looked sleepily into his eyes. "Please stay. I don't think I'll be able to sleep if you go," she said sadly. So he stayed, of course. Paul and Quil heard their conversation and went home.

Jared laid down on top of the covers next to her, and she crawled into his open arms. She fit her head into his shoulder and melted into his chest, breathing in his musky scent and feeling at home for the first time in years. She slowly drifted off to sleep to the rhythmic and soothing sound of Jared's breathing.

* * *

"Get out!" she yelled, with much force but very little sound, terrified to wake up her aunt and uncle. "Oh my God, what if they see you here? They didn't see you last night, did they? Holy shit, I'm going to be in so much trouble. What happened?"

Jared grabbed her shoulders to steady her and calm her down. "Hey, hey, relax. They were asleep by the time we got here. I texted them for you so they would think you were sober and told them you'd be home late."

She sighed and put her face in her hands, relieved beyond belief. "Oh my God, thank you. Ok, you need to go. Now! How are you going to leave without them seeing you?" she whispered, starting to panic again.

"Don't worry, I'll climb out the window. They won't see a thing," he said with a smile.

She looked at him like he was the stupidest person in the world. "Are you kidding me? You can't do that! You'll die!" she said, nervously looking down at the far distance to the ground.

He laughed. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Call me later." And with that, he was gone.

She stared out her window for a long time, contemplating the mystery that was Jared and working to recall her blurry memories of the previous night.

She didn't call. She hadn't known what to say. Thank him for taking care of her? Apologize for being such a hassle? She was embarrassed of what she had done, of what she had said. And that was only the parts she remembered. She had no idea if she had done something else that was even worse.

Her secret was out. Someone had seen a side of her that she had always kept hidden; a side she knew would make anyone go running for the hills. And she was scared that not only would it happen, but that it was going to happen with the guy she had dreamed about for years. She realized that he had acted like everything was normal, but figured it was only a matter of time before Jared realized what he was up against and he left too.

So she didn't call on Saturday, but instead recovered from the night before by lazing around the house, watching TV and drinking tons of water. And thinking about Jared. About what to say to him the next time she saw him, wishing he were there with her or that he would call her or text her first, hoping he wouldn't hold the previous night against her.

When Sunday finally rolled around Kim was still unsure of her plan to go about speaking to Jared again, and so she again refrained from talking to him. Kim was berating herself for so stupidly getting drunk and making a fool of herself, doing what she thought was going to ruin the best friendship she'd ever had. Jared, on the other hand, was constantly thinking about how to take the next step from friendship to something more in his relationship with Kim, and mistakenly believing that he had somehow messed it up when he took her away from the party the night before.

Jared was, without a doubt, driving his pack brothers absolutely crazy. Sam was sympathetic, the only one able to understand the overwhelming need to see his soul mate, but even he was beginning to get sick of Jared's never-ending thoughts of Kim. Paul was annoyed and angry, thinking that Kim was stupid if she didn't realize how Jared felt and pissed at the fact that it was taking so long for them to be happy together. Jacob was disgusted with Jared's lack of will in the situation but even more so with his happiness at finding Kim, despite the complications. Embry was just sick of hearing about her. And Jared's constant thoughts about the girl he loved were annoying even Quil, despite his enthusiasm and exuberance for being a wolf.

It was funny how they both thought they had done something wrong. Well, no, in the moment neither of them had thought it was particularly funny, but one day they would look back on it and laugh about how they had been so foolish as to think they had done wrong by the other. They didn't speak the entire weekend, which was notably troublesome for Kim and unbearable for Jared. He frequently spent his nights outside her window to make sure she stayed safe, and he spent that entire weekend listening to the sounds of her life, the scratch of her pen in her notebooks for school while she finished her homework, the sound of her sipping her coffee in the morning.

When Monday finally rolled around and it became apparent to both of them that they would inevitably see the other at school, Kim put on a brave face and attempted to reclaim her confidence from before the weekend, and Jared prepared himself to handle whatever feelings Kim was dealing with.

Kim decided to get to school early that Monday, partly because she could barely sleep the night before and had woken up early, and partly because she had subconsciously thought that maybe if she got to school earlier than usual, she would not see Jared waiting at her locker like she usually did every morning. But, Jared had the same sort of insomnia and an eagerness to finally see the face of his love that he had missed over the past two days, and so he got to school early as well with an excitement that annoyed the crap out of all his exhausted pack brothers.

When Kim turned the corner and saw Jared standing at her locker like he usually did, she felt a bit of the unease drift away like one small flower petal floating away with the wind. She slowly walked to their usual meeting place and looked up at him.

"Hey," he said softly and with a smile, thinking about how beautiful she looked when the shadows of her eyelashes brushed her cheeks when her eyes closed sleepily.

"Hey." Her eyes flickered up to his and then back down to his shoes again. "I'm sorry. About…" she didn't really know how to say it. "Everything."

He smiled sadly, quickly understanding how much trepidation she felt and how embarrassed she was. "Hey, you don't have to be sorry for anything. I didn't mind." He meant it.

She looked up. "Really?"

"Yeah. Anything you need, I'll be here." She continued to look up at him, judging whether he was being sincere in his thoughtful and sweet words. "I mean it, Kim." Jared could see the sadness from the weekend still in her eyes. "Come here," he said, opening his arms. She crawled into them, embracing his warmth and soaking up the comfort that was exuding from his skin. She felt content here. Peaceful. Like she belonged.

So that's how they went from tension and uncertainty to complete and utter trust and honesty. That's how an event that they both thought had the potential to tear them apart actually brought them closer together. After that day, Kim knew she could trust him. She knew that when she needed to talk, he would listen. And more importantly, when she did talk, he would still continue to be her friend. She may have had a heavy heart, but wrapped up in his strong arms, she knew that Jared had the strength and ability to lift it.


	4. It's Gonna Be A Long Walk

Chapter 4: It's Gonna Be a Long Walk

"Yes, you are what you are. You are the sum total of all your actions, thoughts, attitudes and habits. But that's not all. Because in truth, you are not yet what you will be." – Arun Gogna

Growing. It's exciting when you're young. All anyone ever wants to be as a kid is an adult. But we all know that once that line into adulthood is breached, there is nothing we want more than to be a kid again. But there's no going back to the innocent world of childhood.

The Buddhists have a belief in "anicca," or impermanence. They believe that one should refrain from putting much value into the material world, because eventually everything will change and deteriorate, leaving the person who only has material objects with nothing. Nothing is permanent in this world. Everything changes; nothing stays the same.

She thought about the transition to adulthood and what really turns you from an innocent young kid to an adult. She wondered—was it when stories stopped having happy endings? Or was it when you realized that Santa Claus was just your parents wrapping presents in different wrapping paper and typing the cards?

* * *

Kim walked through the long aisles of books, turning left first, then right, and then left again at the end of the bookshelf. She did this easily, naturally, her body moving on autopilot, already knowing where to go out of memory for taking that same path so many times. She finally stopped when she reached the section she was looking for, where she could find books that excite her imagination and stories that shock and bewilder her. As she stood there, she took in the rows of books like a work of art, admiring their color, their shine, and the way they look when viewed collectively from far away. A slightly familiar book spine caught her eye, and she reached for the novel, holding it in her hands and remembering the last time she had gazed at its front cover.

It had been raining, just like any normal day in La Push. And it had been a somewhat normal day, up until that point. She had walked to the library after getting home from school, needing to get some fresh air and time to herself after an exhausting and long week. This was actually her usual Friday routine, go pick out a few books for the week and take them home ready to devour them in the next seven days before repeating the process over again. There was only just a light sprinkling, and so it was a nice, peaceful walk to the only library in town, the hood of her light rain jacket covering her hair and her boots doing a splendid job of protecting her feet.

When she arrived at the small, quaint building, she went straight to her favorite section and began to scan the titles, searching for anything new and exciting that would capture her attention. She slowly pulled out a light brown book with a dark red spine, the colors drawing her attention and the cover enticing her further. She read the back cover, fully immersing herself in what she would soon discover in between the two covers of the book she held in her hands when a familiar voice suddenly pulled her back to the present.

She had nearly given herself whiplash from the force with which she had turned her head to see who had quietly come up behind her. She slowly got over her shock and managed to utter a short greeting, once again turning around and blankly staring at the book cover, now unable to read a word.

"Watcha got there?" she heard him ask as she watched a quick recap in her head of what had occurred the past week that had set her so on edge and had made her come here in the first place.

"A book," she answered in a purposely vague way with a sarcastic smile, waving the book in her hand. He nodded and thought that he should have anticipated she would react like this, while she wondered how long he would pursue conversation this time.

Luckily, Jared was a quick thinker and so he easily though up some ridiculously random question in a manner in which Kim was quickly getting used to, so much so that she quickly answered the question in a concise and yet still informative manner which she knew would satisfy his inquiries on the subject. They continued in this way for some time, Jared slightly frustrated but remaining persistent, and Kim exhausted and beginning to tire of resisting Jared's attention.

"So, are you stalking me now or something? What brings you to the library?"

He hesitated. "Oh, you know…just um…looking for a book my sister needs for school," Jared finally replied, feeling very happy with himself that he was able to come up with an excuse so fast but also annoyed with himself for forgetting to come up with one beforehand. He should have known by then that Kim would ask him a question like that.

"Right," she said, nodding her head and giving him a calculating and distrusting look. "What book?" she challenged.

"Umm…" he decided to just say the first book that came to his head. "To Kill a Mockingbird."

"Really?" she asked, genuinely curious. "That's my favorite book."

"No way!" he replied, amazed by the coincidence and extremely happy that she had just shared something about herself. "I guess it's fate then," he said as he thought that maybe it was; they really were meant to be. They smiled at each other for a moment before Kim realized where they were, how she wasn't going to talk to him, that he was popular and she wasn't so she was never going to be in his league.

"Umm…I should go," she told him as she turned around, placing the book carefully back on the shelf and starting to walk away.

"Wait, I'll walk you home," Jared quickly offered, desperately trying to get more time with her and kicking himself for letting her get away so quick. She didn't reply, just kept on walking and so Jared decided to just follow along with her. They kept up an odd sort of conversation on the way home, still somewhat reluctant on Kim's part but of course gradually opening up as they always did. She tried to fight it every time. But something about Jared just made Kim so comfortable and at ease and excited and joyful at the same time that she hardly knew what to do with herself. She knew she would get carried away soon enough, and that all the deep feelings she'd been trying to push down since he gazed at her that first day would rush forward and she would somehow mess up their already strange and complicated relationship. But she just couldn't help it; she wanted to spend time with him. And no matter how many times she turned him down and tried to push him away, for some reason he seemed to want to spend time with her too.

So they walked home together, both finally feeling comfortable and relaxed in the presence of the other, although only one was unwilling to admit so. And when they finally departed and Jared fought the urge to kiss Kim goodbye, both pondered the path their relationship would soon take, for it would be impossible to go on the way they had been forever.

Kim smiled as she remembered the book in her hands when she thought of how far they'd come. It had taken a few weeks for Kim to open up enough to even talk to Jared, and now they were really close friends. She knew she had made the right decision. Even if it sometimes felt like it would nearly kill her to be so close with Jared, and yet so far away from what she really wanted with him. She put on a happy face and told herself that friendship was enough, that she didn't need anything more from him. He could brighten up her day with just a smile; surely that was enough?

* * *

The loud sound of the gravel crunching beneath the tires of Jared's truck was soon overcome by the melodies he insisted Kim play for him. He was always doing that—making her share her life with him. Her likes and dislikes, her favorites, her memories. It was nice. It made her feel in some way permanent; as if by writing herself into his mind she was making her mark, leaving something in this world behind. She thought of this as she heard the words "I leave nothing on earth that won't rot," coming from the speakers, and she began to think that maybe that line would prove untrue if she gave some of herself to another person.

They were on their way to Sam and Emily's house, going to spend some time with the pack. Jared still hadn't told Kim about being a werewolf, so she thought they were just going to hang out with some of Jared's friends. But this was more important to him in a way. The other wolves were his brothers; he needed them to be friends with Kim, needed to connect the two most significant parts of his life.

He was both excited and nervous, hoping that his jokester friends would actually listen to request to refrain from joking about their condition in front of Kim, even though he knew they still would. He hoped Kim would enjoy herself and that everyone would get along. Most of all he hoped it would make Kim happy. That maybe it would give her a new family, that she would find somewhere she belonged.

They were greeted inside with a loud "Hey, Kim!" from all the pack brothers and a more formal introduction to Sam and Emily. Jared noticed that Kim seemed a little bit uncomfortable around Sam, which he understood, knowing that Sam had witnessed one of her more trying moments. But Sam did his best to make her feel at home and of course Emily had already mastered how to do so, and before they knew it everyone was sitting at the table, laughing and sharing stories of each other and making Kim feel right at home. She didn't say much, but that's who she was. Jared had made sure that everyone understood beforehand that she would remain shy until she knew them well enough. And that was alright with all of them. They all sort of knew the real Kim from Jared's thoughts, because she had finally laid down her walls and opened up to him.

It was overall a successful evening. Of course the boys made all sorts of jokes suggestive of Jared's other half as a wolf and even more so about his imprinting and their future together. But that was to be expected; and really, how could you stay mad at your brothers who you knew would give up their lives for the girl you love because they knew how much she meant to you? Yes, it was a very successful first meeting and Kim had a feeling that it wouldn't be the last. She knew Jared spent all his time when he wasn't with her hanging out with his friends at Sam and Emily's house. She knew how important they were to him. And she liked them. Quite a lot actually. Even though she didn't find herself completely comfortable as if they had been friends for years, she genuinely enjoyed Jared's friend's company. They were funny and entertaining and overall a pleasure to be around.

When she lay in bed that night she thought about how they almost seemed like a family—Sam and Emily providing the leadership, warmth and guidance of parents, all the boys playing the part of the rowdy kids who joke and make fun of each other but have that unspoken bond of family that means they would do anything for each other, that they would always be there for each other. She thought about how nice it would be to belong to a family like that—home away from home, bonds that ran deeper than blood, unconditional love and commitment. She wanted that for herself; she missed that in her life. She thought about Jared's smile, his laugh, how she never wanted their friendship to end. She used to think that she would never be able to be friends with him, that being so close but so far away at the same time would be too painful. But when she thought about the way he teased Seth while at the same time encouraging him and building him up, how he looked at Sam with respect and admiration, how he glanced at her with that small smile on his face, his eyes conveying much more emotion than words could every express—she knew that he was enough. Whatever way she could, she needed to be with him. She needed him around to make her relax and let go a little, to make her laugh and give her butterflies, to let her see a glimpse of hope and joy in her future. She needed to be part of his family.

* * *

He dreamt of her that night even though he didn't sleep. He dreamt of them walking to Sam and Emily's hand in hand, open and free and with no secrets between them. He dreamt of being able to take away her pain, to kiss her tears away and make her feel the love that she so desperately needed. He dreamt of her there with him in his bed, her closeness making his feelings overflow out of his soul, the awesome power of their connection strengthening with each kiss and touch. He could practically feel the length of her warm body pressed completely against his, could almost taste her breath on his tongue. Her smell was so realistic he felt the abrupt end of his dream like a slap in the face, her essence suddenly being ripped from his grasp.

He heaved a great sigh as he contemplated his current situation. He wasn't quite sure what to do yet. He knew that Kim felt more for him; he could tell. When she looked up at him beneath her lashes and gave him that small smile drove him crazy. Whenever they would be joking and laughing and all of a sudden realize they were standing too close for conventional friendship. He could see her face perfectly—her eyes still sparkling with laughter, her cheeks slightly flushed, her lips forming a perfect upward curve. He knew she wanted to be with him, but he didn't know how to go about making it happen. He didn't want to ruin the friendship—no contact with her at all would be unbearable.

So he was waiting. Not for her to admit her feelings first or for some great coincidence of fate to bring them together. He was waiting for the right time, a moment when he could be one hundred percent positive that she was ready, that they would be able to work everything out, that they could finally be together. It was a long and hard wait—it required patience and the certainty that everything would work out in the end. But she was worth it. Most definitely. Jared knew that all of his waiting and slowing down and holding back would be worth it in the end. She was his soul mate—he would do anything and everything for her. And no matter how frustrated he got, he knew it would work out in the end. It just had to.

* * *

"I'm fine."

"You keep saying that."

She cracked a small smile and nodded her head. "Yeah, no, I am. I'm fine. I just…"

"Do you want me to get Jared?"

"No." she shook her head. "No. It's ok. It's fine. I'm fine. Really," she tried to convince herself. Paul stared at her with a masked expression, lips pressed together, analyzing the face he knew from Jared's thoughts that Kim made when she was about to cry.

"Come on, I'll take you to the nurse. You can go home early or something. That'd be nice, right?" Paul said with a hopeful smile. But Kim shook her head and vehemently refused to seek help or go home early and back out. She was strong—she'd been dealing with this for years. So why was it all of a sudden so hard? How could a few petty and immature high school girl's words inflict so much hurt and pain? It wasn't like they were even doing it on purpose—she had just happened to overhear their conversation and realized how right they were.

It didn't make any sense. She had known that from the start. But there had been no getting rid of him and so she was forced to go along with it, eventually accepting the fact that Jared apparently wanted to be her friend. But had her judgement been clouded by his charming smiles and witty jokes? Had she blindly fallen for his charming act? Maybe they were all right—maybe she was just a victim in some stupid little joke. As she slowly sank down to the nearest concrete bench, her mind frantically searched though all of her memories of time spent with Jared, looking for any sign of insincerity or phoniness.

Meanwhile, Paul was trying to come up with something comforting to say or do, simultaneously trying to figure out what had hurt Kim in the first place. He took a seat next to her on the bench, and gathering up all the compassion and sympathy he could manage, and asked, in the kindest voice he could manage, what exactly had happened.

Kim was much too embarrassed to ask him directly if the last month had all been just some big joke, and instead decided to ask him if he knew why Jared had decided to become her friend. Of course she had asked Jared himself the very same question multiple times before, but all she ever got was evasive answers about how he realized that she was a good person and she needed to build up her confidence. She had been hoping that Paul, being Jared's closest friend, would be able to provide some insight onto her situation that would allow her to finally understand everything that had been going on recently. And surprisingly, he did.

"Look, Jared's always been a nice guy," he said with a sigh, as if he knew exactly what people were saying and what she was inevitably thinking. "I can tell you with absolute certainty that Jared genuinely cares about you and wants to be your friend. As for the why, well that's something you'll have to take up with Jared himself. Although, you are a pretty cool girl once people get to know you. I get it."

"Really?" She asked, unable to hide her shock. Of course, she could tell Paul didn't still possess the general hostility towards her as he had before, but she didn't know that his acceptance went as far as considering her a friend.

Of course, she was very unaware of where this acceptance had come from. While they had been obviously spending more time in each other's presence as she and Jared became closer, what she didn't realize was that Paul actually knew her quite well. Because he was often able to run patrols with his best friend and therefore privy to his constant recounts of Jared's time with Kim, he knew what she was really like. He got to see how fun and witty she could be when she opened put to a person, how intelligent and driven she was, how her compassion and ability to feel deep emotions made her one of the most caring people he knew. To say he approved was an understatement—he was happy for Jared, relieved he had imprinted on a girl like Kim, even glad she would soon become part of their pack family. And even though he was unable to express all of this because he was Paul and he was bad with words and emotions and all that sickeningly sweet stuff, Kim felt his offering of friendship in a clear way.

And from that moment forward, they were friends. Not acquaintances, not two people who were both close with Jared and therefore forced to tolerate each other's presence, but friends. People to hang out with and talk to and to help you when you're confused or feeling down. And Kim was starting to really feel like she might start to have a new family. And Paul knew that that was one of the best things in the world in Jared's eyes—that Kim wasn't just getting a soulmate, a companion, a lover. She was getting a family, a community, a support system, the group of people that she could call home. Something she hadn't felt in a long time. And anyone could see that it felt good.

* * *

It was getting harder and harder to keep her from the truth. Things just kept slipping out, incidents just kept popping up that Jared knew would make her wonder. And he knew he couldn't keep the secret for much longer.

For example, that day after school at Sam and Emily's when he nearly phased in front of her. The guys were saying things, stuff that started as innocent jokes but eventually just really pissed him off, that got his hands shaking so hard Kim noticed and probably thought he was contracting some muscular disease or something.

"Hey, are you ok? You're shaking," Kim said as she put her hand on top of his. The tremors instantly stopped.

He flashed her his best smile and tried his best to distract her from what she saw, but he knew he was running out of time. It was hard to keep something of this magnitude hidden from someone you spend so much time with, and Jared was quickly losing his willingness to keep anymore secrets from Kim. The only problem was that he wanted to be in a relationship with her before he told her; he wanted her to know how he really felt about her before he burdened her with his inner demons. And he was still waiting for the right time but it was taking too long and he was impatient and she was gorgeous and sweet and kind and perfect. So he decided he needed to make his own moment—he needed to create a situation in which it would be a good time to cross the bridge between friendship and romantic love, an unstable bridge with rocks and harsh waters underneath that he knew he would not survive if he didn't make it across. He just needed to come up with a plan first.

* * *

"You know how, like, when you're little, you always want to know what goes on behind closed doors with all the adults. And you try to eavesdrop on conversations and figure out what's going on. But once you get older you realize that ignorance really is bliss, and sometimes there are things you would just rather not know."

"What's going on, Kim?" Jared asked, progressively getting more worried the longer she talked. He felt as if the more she voiced her thoughts the farther she seemed to get away from him in her mind.

"I don't know," she sighed, dejectedly looking at the floor. "I've just been hearing stuff around the house and I don't know what to do with it or what to believe and it's just..." She sighed again, and looked up at him and smiled. "I want to be a kid again. I want to make sandcastles on the beach and play with dolls with my sister and each grilled cheese and not think about anything important. You know?"

"We can still make sandcastles and eat grilled cheese," he said with a small smile. "I mean, I don't know about the playing with dolls," she laughed, "but we can talk about insignificant stuff. I'm pretty good at being as immature as a kid. We don't really have to grow up."

"You know, you're probably the best friend I've ever had," she said as she gazed up at his smiling face. He lit up inside as he contemplated whether or not this was the moment, if this was what he had been waiting for. But then she moved to grab her iPod and turned on her new favorite album, filling her room with her favorite sounds and feeling her spirits lift immediately. Jared thought that he would have to what just a little bit longer. And Kim, well she felt lighter, happier, even bubbly as she sang out the words to the song. She even felt a bit like a kid again.


End file.
